Jim Smith (jim_smith) wrote in gore_sports,
Jim Smith
jim_smith
gore_sports

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Bash Wars Six Will Not Die!


It has been a trying couple of weeks at Gore Sports, LLC, Inc., where I have been laid up more than once by a nasty cold that threatened to derail the entire tournament.  But I am proud to say that my immune system has rallied back, like a bunch of Power Ranger nerds angrily insisting that Tommy the Green Ranger should advance in Bash Wars over the broken body of Sailor Jupiter.  And so we are back, ladies and gentlemen, because we won't be denied!  Like the Ultimate Warrior's ass says in my userpic, IT MEANS MUCH MORE THAN THIS!  I will not be stopped!  None of you will be stopped!  Well, actually, 41 of you have already been stopped, so maybe I should just focus on the remaining six.

Six!  Normally we would call the semifinals the Final Four, but in this, the BASHEST WARS IN HISTORY, we six blood-soaked hellraisers who won't stay down!  After this round, only three will remain, to go on to the final round to determine the sixth-ever BASH WARS SUPERKING!  A lot of the favorites have been brushed aside, so anything could happen now!  No one is safe!  Not even you!  Bleeearrghh!

I'll shut up now.


6. PRINCESS LEIA
(seraangel)
VERSUS
13. XENA
(wiisp)

I didn't consider Leonidas or Megatron solid locks to make it to the semis, but I was really surprised neither of them advanced.  Xena has proven she was criminally underrated in the seeding with a crushing 46-19 victory over the Spartan king, while Princess Leia bested Megatron in a 39-27 win.  I'm starting to think both of these warrior princesses could go all the way...so of course I love it that they are now pitted against each other, and only one will survive.

This is a classic matchup between sci-fi space opera and sword-and-sorcery fantasy.  Xena has the edge in size and strength, but Leia has the advanced weaponry and knows how to use them.  Ordinarily you'd think it would help the ancient warrior that the futuristic space hero has never dealt with anything that wasn't armed with a raygun.  But Leia knows her way around knights and barbarians and swashbucklers, and she's always come out on top.  Will that be enough to make it to the finals and avenge the bloody death of her pal Chewbacca?


8. BUFFY THE
VAMPIRE SLAYER

(beraht)
VERSUS
7. MERLIN
(kingnixon)

Now that I think about it, a Terminator vs. Road Runner battle would have been pretty interesting, but it just wasn't in the cards.  Buffy shut down the lovable bird in a 42-17 spanking; the deadly cyborg fell to Merlin in a 36-30 heartbreaker.  And so now we have Buffy vs. Merlin and I haven't come up with an angle for this one yet.  Gimme a minute.

OK, this is going to come down to whichever of these combatants can literally get their hands around the other's neck.  I say this because Merlin is not a vampire, and more to the point can surely survive a stake to the heart.  (I mean, he'd just move his heart of the way real fast or something.)  By the same token, Merlin can try to turn Buffy into a mouse or a frog or something, but that won't help because she'll still have her slayer power or however that works.  So this is going to quickly break down into a good old fashioned bare-knuckle brawl between the old man and the young lady.


1. BRUCE LEE
(jonathan_7)
VERSUS
3. THOR
(zoline)

As expected, they don't have Bruce Lee movies in the Mirror Universe, so Mirror Universe Spock didn't know what hit him and got the ever-loving crap beat out of him 36-25.  And in one of my personal dream matches, Thor avenged his controversial loss to Superman in JLA/Avengers with his own 36-25 victory. 

Bruce is gonna have to be real real careful here, because he's not used to tangling with somebody who's way stronger and tougher than he is.  I mean, Thor's a god and stuff.  Plus he's got a giant-ass hammer and he just killed Superman with it.  Also the lightning.  But don't be writing Bruce Lee's eulogy just yet, because if Thor has any weakness, it's his pride.  I know you all saw the movie and how Thor finally got his head out of his ass, but let me assure you--he sticks it back up there pretty often.  He's the god of thunder, scoring 24/7, it's hard to be humble.  Thor's arrogance and rage  make him all the more dangerous against most opponents, but the calm, clear-eyed discipline of Bruce Lee will turn all of that against him.  Even the strongest opponent can be made to defeat himself--if that sounds like devious trickery, consider that Thor is pretty vulnerable to that sort of thing.  Of course, the Odinson's always got a puncher's chance (which is much higher when the puncher is holding a mallet), but don't expect this to be a cakewalk.

All right, there you have it.  It's time to choose the winners, and if you want a piece of the action just make sure you join gore_sports to make your voice heard!  Notice that the "Both Maimed and Killed" option is off the table, so all you fence-straddlers are out of luck.  We must have finalists because there must be a winner!

Poll #1803164 Bash Wars Semifinals
This poll is closed.

Princess Leia vs. Xena, Warrior Princess

Leia
27(42.9%)
Xena
36(57.1%)

Buffy the Vampire Slayer vs. Merlin

Buffy
47(73.4%)
Merlin
17(26.6%)

Bruce Lee vs. Thor

Bruce Lee
22(34.9%)
Thor
41(65.1%)


We're a bit behind 'cuz I been sick, so we'll be opening this poll tonight and closing it down at 11:59pm (Chicago time) on Wednesday, December 21.  Considering the holiday season and stuff, I have no idea when I'll post the finals, so I won't make any promises just yet.
Tags: bash wars vi
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  • BASH WARS VI FINALS!

    The following contest, scheduled for one fall, is the final round of the 6th annual Bash Wars Open Invitational Tournament o' Death! It is…

  • Gore Sports (No-)Quarterfinals

    So far the update schedule for this year's tournament has been as follows: First round: I have 23 fights to write up for Saturday night, I stay…

  • BASH WARS SECOND ROUND!!!

    History was made in the first round of Bash Wars VI, as a record-shattering twenty-three battles were waged simultaneously. Who emerged…