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BASH WARS VI FIRST ROUND - Gore Sports - Making Up Fake Fights Since 1992 [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Gore Sports - Making Up Fake Fights Since 1992

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BASH WARS VI FIRST ROUND [Nov. 20th, 2011|03:41 pm]
Gore Sports - Making Up Fake Fights Since 1992


[mood |exhaustedexhausted]
[music |Sammy Hagar - Winner Takes It All]


In the end, forty-seven brave souls have stepped forth to participate in this year's tournament.  So instead of the usual format of two brackets of sixteen competitors, we will be having three 16-person brackets, with the winner of each bracket meeting in a THREE-WAY DANCE for the finals.  (Since 47 doesn't divide by 16 too well, one lucky feller gets a bye this week.) 

And now, let's go to Howard Finkel for the rules.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for the sixth annual Bash Wars Open Invitational Tournament o' Death!  Please allow me to explain the rules!

The tournament is single-elimination, and will begin with a series of one-on-one contests, in which each participant will be equipped with only the standard items they normally carry.  The winner of each battle will be determined by you in a popular vote!  The competitor who receives the most votes will advance to the next round, having murdered his or her opponent!  In the event of a tie, both competitors will advance, continuing their battle while facing their next opponent!  In the event that more than half of the vote goes to the "Both Maimed and Killed" option, then all participants will die and none will advance!

Once all other competitors have been eliminated, the last remaining competitor who has slain all his or her enemies will be declared the winner, and new Bash Wars SUPERKING!
I think that about covers it.  Remember, folks, this is not simply a popularity contest or a "who has the best fandom" wankoff.  This is a bloodsport--these forty-seven warriors are going to beat the piss out of each other, and your vote indicates who you think can win a vicious brawl.  I have seeded the tournament according to my personal sense of who has the best advantages--a vague combination of raw power, finely-honed skill, and all-around furious tenacity--but in the end it is up to you to decide if a certain competitor can see through two swollen eyes and deliver that killing blow.

I would also like to take this opportunity to note that, in my nineteen years of managing fake fighting tournaments, it has never been this difficult to seed the Bash Wars tournament.  Usually it's pretty easy to pick the best guy and the  worst guy in the whole field, but this time it was pretty damn hard.  Some are better than others, but I think all of these guys have something to bring to the table.  You're all winners in my book!  Now let's kill off half of you.

Let's start off in the West brackets!


I would like to take this opportunity to tell everyone who entered Bash Wars II that if you'd entered Leonidas, you would have won.  Just saying.  The mania surrounding 300 has cooled since then, but Leonidas is still the kind of guy that excels in this type of thing--a ruthless, unstoppable killing machine.  As we all know Leonidas defended Thermopylae for days, with only 300 Spartans, against the entire Persian army.  Now yeah, he died in the end, but the point is that it took 100,000 Persians to get it done, and I don't see 100,000 Persians in this tournament.  Can anyone stop him?  Well, nobody's invincible in Bash Wars, but I think whoever can shut him down will have a lot to crow about.

It's not unthinkable that Sloth, the beloved freak from The Goonies, could get it done right here.  Like Leonidas, Sloth has incredible movie-hero strength.  There's also a personal issue brewing here, as Leonidas's Spartan culture rejects the worthiness and fighting prowess of people with birth defects, and Sloth is understandably pretty touchy on that subject.  I feel it's necessary to point out that I have the utmost respect for Sloth--the only reason he's seeded so low is that we've only really seen him go up against the Fratellis, which isn't that much of an accomplishment.  It's one thing to wear the Superman shirt; by the end of this tournament we'll know if he deserves it.


Deathsaurus is one of the last Transformers released in the 1980s, exclusively in Japan.  He was the Decepticon leader and he had some goofy gimmick involving breasts, but hey, his name is "Deathsaurus" so he must be at least a little badass.  I went looking for information on him and all I've really established is that he ruled a vast empire and he is friend to all Japanese children.  Huh.

I'm liking Starbuck more in this battle.  She's got the disadvantage of being a puny flesh creature up against an evil killer robot, but I hear that on Battlestar Galactica they deal with that kind of crap all the time.  Starbuck is clearly not worried about this battle, as we can tell by the image above.  She's laid back, having a toke, not a care in the world.  Is that confidence or arroagance?  And will it cost her this fight?  Only time will tell.

13. XENA

What I know about Asterix comics could fill a thimble, but what I do know is that Asterix has a huge fat sidekick named Obelix who has incalculable super-strength.  It was hard finding a picture of him where he is not effortlessly pwning someone or lifting an extremely heavy rock.  Obelix is like Popeye if he didn't have to eat the spinach because it was permanently infused in his body.  He's a solid pick for this tournament so I'm eager to see how he shakes out.

Xena isn't a bad choice either, and she's suited to the task of slaying Obelix on account of all those episodes of her show where she had to fight gods and monsters and stuff.  This may simply come down to what happens when she throws that frisbee blade thing at Obelix--either it takes his head off immediately, or he catches it, wads it up, and eats it, and everybody's in for a long night.


One of the perks of running Bash Wars is that I'm the only one who sees the text entered in the sign-up poll.  For example, runenklinge entered "Chewbacca from Star Wars," just in case I might have been confused and assumed it was the other Chewbacca from Last Tango in Paris.  I feel stupid even saying this much about Chewbacca.  I mean, it's Chewbacca, what do you need me to tell you?  He's like seven feet tall and he's got all the powers of a werewolf and a space pirate.

Sweetums is an interesting choice and I'm surprised he hasn't shown up in Bash Wars sooner.  Muppets have historically performed well in Bash Wars, and Sweetums is easily among the top five largest Muppets available.  He looks mean and he's good at breaking shit, and I've always wanted to see him kill/eat people.  But the bottom line is that he's largely untested--we don't know what he'll do in a real fight, let alone against someone as big and hairy as he is.  My prediction is that there'll be a lot of biting in this contest, so I sure hope these guys have both had their shots.


Megatron killed Optimus Prime.  (Yeah, Optimus got better, but it's still more than you ever did.)  He also transforms from a super-power laser pistol to a giant evil robot with a ridiculously oversized fusion cannon on his arm.  When I saw he was in this year's tournament I pissed myself.

But Megatron isn't the only Transformer in this tournament.  For one, there's Dinobot from that Beast Wars show I didn't watch.  All I know about Dinobot is that he switched sides and he fights according to a strict code of honor.  Say, you know who else fights according to a strict code of honor?  Optimus Prime.  That didn't work out so well for him when it came to Megatron. 

The main thing Dinobot has going for him is that he can transform into a dinosaur, and as we all know dinosaurs are a giant pain in Megatron's rear thrusters.  However, the most important factor in this fight is that Dinobot betrayed the Decepticon cause, and if there's anything Megatron hates it's traitors.


Jules Winfield, the "Say 'what' again!" guy from Pulp Fiction, needs no introduction at this point, but I think Eliot Spencer does.  I was told he's a character on TNT's show Leverage, and I was initially dubious.  See, usually when people enter a guy I've never heard of from a show I've never watched, it turns out he's the loveable goofball who fixes the office printer.  So I went to Youtube to find out more, and this was the first result.  I recommend watching the whole thing, it's insane--basically eighteen guys are all shooting at this Spencer guy the whole time, and he still kicks all their asses.  Near the end he's just standing there in plain sight and the gunmen all stand there waiting like "OK, guys, I know we could shoot him now, but that isn't working and anyway I think he's going to do something cool and I want to see what it is."

The point I'm getting at is that while Jules Winfield is a legendary badass motherfucker, at the end of the day his whole deal is that he stands there and shoots you with a large gun, and evidently Eliot Spencer shakes that off like it's no big deal.  So I'm interested to see what happens here.


Mad Max, the Road Warrior, is a natural for Bash Wars, having survived a post-apocalyptic dystopia where he competed in Thunderdome.  We here at gore_sports owe a great debt to Thunderdome and are honored to welcome this grizzled veteran of silly fake fights to our silly fake fight tournament.  If I had to sum up Mad Max's advantages in one word, I'd use "versatility."  He's not the toughest or the strongest or the meanest or the shootyest or the explodeyest, but he's well rounded in all of these areas so he can handle whatever you throw at him.

Ace Rimmer, as it was explained to me, is the daydream alter-ego of Arnold Rimmer on Red Dwarf.  I am understandably skeptical British television until I found some footage of Ace fighting Nazis on a plane and then wrestling a crocodile.  Admittedly, this all looks like it was filmed under a $300 budget and the crocodile is clearly made of rubber.  But the point is that Mad Max isn't fighting Arnold imagining he's Ace, he's fighting Ace, who is from a world where the crocodile was real and he kicked its ass.  Of course, Mad Max deals with guys like that every damn day, so it remains to be seen what happens when these forces collide.


Ho ho ho, this is the kind of dream match you're only going to get in Bash Wars!  What am I talking about?  Well, 2011 has been the year of Zack Ryder, the self-proclaimed "WWE Internet champion" who turned his wrestling career around with his own homemade YouTube show.  Not unlike Ace Rimmer, Zack is a legend in his own mind, including the little tidbit that he used to date one Princess Leia.  The Zack/Leia relationship has been a major storyline on Z! True Long Island Story, as Zack cried over his lost love and the HDMI cable she took with her.  As recently as this week, it was shockingly revealed that Leia has hooked up with Ryder's archnemesis, Dolph Ziggler.  Now these former lovers must do battle, no holds barred, in the unforgiving Bash Wars arena.  Bear in mind, this isn't some dork filming himself in his bathroom, it's the Ultimate Broski and the Assistant General Manager of Friday Night Zackdown.  Which means that in this reality, Zack might actually win more than once in a row. 

That's the version of this fight that Zack is expecting.  As for Leia, I'm pretty sure she has no idea who this guy is and plans to shoot him with her ray gun.  It's a recipe for wackiness!

OK, moving on now to the East brackets...


You know, over the many, many years that I've covered professional wrestling, I have seen a lot of changes.  A lot of changes in this great sport.  And a lot of changes in a number of individuals in professional wrestling.  In Bash Wars VI, here is a man that has not only turned it around 180 degreess, but he's gone another 360, and then another 180: "Macho Man" Randy Savage.  A six-time world champion, Savage is a natural favorite to win, but much like his storied wrestling career he'll have to earn it every step of the way.

His opponent is a personal favorite of mine returning from Bash Wars V, Andy Kaufman.  The reigning intergender champion of the world was stunned in a shocking upset against Willow Rosenburg (I don't have to spell-check her name this year, bite me), but he has assured me that he had a 105-degree fever that night and besides the title was not at stake due to a violation of the contract.  Now, I respect Mr. Kaufman and I worked furiously to fulfill his demand that he only compete against women, but this year it just wasn't in the cards so I have reluctantly paired him up against the Macho Man.  Obviously the intergender title will not be defended, but I hope these two can come to some sort of understanding, perhaps based on their mutual hatred of Jerry Lawler.



I thought this one would be interesting, since Buffy is naturally gifted at killing vampires, but the mythical Medusa is not a vampire, and I'm not even sure driving a stake into her heart will kill her.  Also I gather that a lot of Buffy's offense depends on her visual acuity--you don't go staking vampires with your eyes shut--and this could give Medusa the opening to make eye contact and turn Buffy to stone.  Of course, Buffy could just keep her eyes shut and fumble her way through this fight, and that could work (Medusa's really only got the one move), but then you run the risk of waving your arms around and maybe getting a hand caught in that tangle of snakes on Medusa's head.  Are those snakes venomous?  We may find out.


I'm looking forward to this one a lot.  I'd never heard of Omar, from TV's The Wire, until I looked up this video where he makes a business of sneaking up on guys and catching them with his shotgun.  I don't know if he's a good guy or a bad guy, I don't know if the guys he shoots had it coming.  I have no idea what the hell The Wire is about.  They should have called it Oh Shit, It's Omar! and then everyone would watch it.  This is what's wrong with television these days.  I don't know if Omar can win this tournament, but I sure want him to.

However, Omar's business is naturally going to bring the police to his door, and what angrier, meaner cop could you have to deal with than Elliot Stabler from Law and Order: Special Victims Unit.  This fella sees people getting murdered and abused every damn day, and he's like a ticking time bomb that's about to go sickhouse on some poor chump.  Unfortunately, that chump in question is Omar.  Which of them this is unfortunate for has yet to be determined.


Here's an interesting matchup between two of the more offbeat competitors in this year's tournament.  The Road Runner is a pretty brilliant choice, because he a) runs really fast and b) never gets hurt by anything.  It's gonna take him days to successfully kill a guy, but the point is that it's nearly impossible to kill him--ask nine out of ten coyotes.  Because of Road Runner's natural advantages, the best approach to subduing him is to lure him into standing still with some bait, and then snaring him in an elaborately constructed trap...I bet you see where I'm going with this.

Steve (the unofficial name of the player in Minecraft) is all about three things: Collecting enough food to not die, fending off enemies that want to kill him, and building traps and structures and machines and shit.  So I had to see if he could face his ultimate challenge and catch the Road Runner.  Now you might be saying "Of course not, that never works," but remember that Road Runner's really only had to deal with coyotes, so maybe Steve has some tricks that Road Runner's never considered.  On the other hand, I'm pretty sure there are no road runners in Minecraft, so Steve may be in for quite a surprise.


If I have to tell you why this is the video game version of Mike Tyson and not the real version, then you've never played Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!, in which Tyson is the final boss and he is virtually unbeatable.  This is one of the few Bash Wars entrants that I have personally tested myself against, and let me tell you he's one scary son of a bitch.  His punches move at the speed of light and every single blow is capable of sending you down to the canvas.  It's pretty clear to me why mike_smith picked this guy, because most people can only beat Tyson by lasting three rounds and scoring enough points to win by decision; however there are no points in Bash Wars, and the fight only ends by deciding who has been murdered.  Look at the gleam in those black, soulless eyes.  Real Mike Tyson might have mercy, but Video Game Mike Tyson will kill you and flex his bicep over your broken body.

Coaxmetal is...I don't know, it's a giant iron golem.  I think it's a miniboss in AD&D or one of those things.  So basically it's just like Nintendo Mike Tyson except it lacks a personality or a will to inflict suffering.  I was told it is driven to unmake the world, but first it's gotta go the distance with Iron Mike.


I was told in no uncertain terms that this should be "Merlin/Merlyn. Specifically the version from 'the once and future king' where he lives backwards through time and is all wise and doddering and has a pet talking owl and whatnot."  This is what I have to deal with, folks.  Anyway, I couldn't find a picture of that specific version of Merlin/Merlyn/Merle N./Myrlin.  So I got a picture of Merlin from Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders.  Is that close enough?  I'm pretty sure all Merlins are the same.  He's a zillion years old and he's so good at magic that he's the synonymous with the term. 

In case anyone's hoping to exploit that "ages backwards" thing to explain that he can't die in this tournament, think again, because top Bash Wars scientists have reversed his chroniton particle flux to repolarize his quantum state.  They said something about how if he dies it will create a temporal paradox and slowly erase the universe, but I figure the tournament will be over by then.

His opponent is Harry Dresden, the magic detective with a stick who wishes he was Merlin and wishes he wasn't confused with Harry Potter.  This is a classic Bash Wars scenario in which somebody picks the proverbial Kit Fisto without stopping to consider that somebody else has probably picked the proverbial Luke Skywalker, and then of course I have to pit them against each other to see if the lesser-known noob can stack up against the iconic old lion.  I mean, maybe Dresden can beat Merlin, but I don't think it'll be easy.  I went to research Dresden and the first thing I found out is that he lacks fine control over his power, which I'd expect Merlin to have in spades.  But then again in a battle between a sniper rifle and a sawed-off shotgun, I like the shotgun's chances in close quarters.


For the record, richardjohnson1 specified the T-800 from Terminator 2.  I don't see as it makes much difference, but just so you know this is the Terminator that learned to talk like Bart Simpson.  He was also ordered to never take a life, but those Bash Wars scientists reprogrammed him, whereupon he shot them all in a bloody mess.

"Ace" McShane (real name Dorothy Gale McSha--who writes this crap?) was the girlfriend of Doctor Who back in the 1980s.  I am told that she is a demolitions expert and I was sent this montage of her blowing shit up.  Admittedly these are pathetic PBS explosions, but we are of course dealing in a world where Ace Rimmer wrestled a crocodile and Zack Ryder made out with Princess Leia.

Anyway, I think this is a logical matchup, since the Terminator is really frigging hard to kill with anything except explosives, and that seems to be all Ace has up her sleeve.  However, Terminator doesn't just stand there and let you lob grenades at him, he is also running around shooting at you and if he gets a hold of any bombs or whatever he'll blow you up right back.  Another factor to consider is that the Terminator lacks emotion and simply follows the directives of his programming, while Ace clearly loves her work and takes Beavisesque delight in destroying things.  Which approach to mayhem and destruction is more effective?


Danger Mouse returns from his disappointing outing at Bash Wars V, and he's out for BASH WARS REVENGE against the guy that eliminated him last year.  Conveniently, meester_bond has elected to enter a rodent this year, in the form of Master Splinter from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  So it's the age-old classic matchup of a tiny mouse that acts like a human secret agent versus a man-sized rat that acts like a ninja master.  DM undoubtedly knows his fair share of many martial arts, but Splinter eats, sleeps, and breathes ninjitsu, so it's tough to say which of them has the advantage.  Their respective handicaps are also a critical factor--Splinter is going to want to keep himself on DM's left side, for obvious reasons, and as far as Danger Mouse is concerned that cane is just a neon sign telling him to attack Splinter's left knee.

All right, so now for the first time ever, we visit the Midwest bracket!  The #1 seed in this bracket has the night off, since we ran out of guys.  But he'll be facing the winner of this bout!

I don't know much about Iroh, from Avatar: The Last Airbender.  I gather he is a wise old ninja type guy and as we all know ninjas only get more and more powerful as they get older.  An 80-year-old ninja is always better and faster than a 30-year-old ninja, and I'm pretty sure a 100-year-old ninja can just shoot lasers out of his fingers.  I don't know how old Iroh is, but he's old enough to be one tough bastard.

For some reason, I know entirely too much about Sandor Clegane from Game of Thrones.  He's a tough-as-nails, miserable wretch who goes around chopping people's arms off with his broadsword, which is pretty much what you gotta do to stay alive in this thing.  He's like a knight, except that he's not really a knight because he hates being called a knight ever since his asshole brother became a knight and he realized the nobility is a bunch of bullshit.  But the point is that this is a classic battle between East versus West, except I guess Sandor is not technically a European-style knight because he's from another world called Westeros and also this one time Jaime Lannister got totally drunk and stuck a squirrel up his ass.  Have I mentioned that I know entirely too much about Sandor Clegane?

I made this fight for one reason and one reason only--Clegane had half his face burned off when he was six years old, so as you might expect he's scared shitless by fire; and as you can see Iroh is a firebender who eats, breathes, sweats, and craps fire.  This is where we find out who's going to wear the long pants.


This year I put my foot down and said that everyone's entrants into Bash Wars VI must be sufficiently dangerous in a death battle, and if I was not satisfied with your pick I would make you pick again.  So about nine of you entered characters from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.  This is why you can't have nice things.

Anyway, my rationale for allowing Discord into Bash Wars is that he's a total puss whose weakness is friendship and harmony, but in this tournament those are alien concepts that he will not have to deal with, so he might very well reign supreme.  My expectation is that Discord will thrive on the ensuing chaos, and use his magic to manipulate his enemies into defeating themselves.

But there's really only room for one character voiced by John DeLancie, so Discord must first defeat Thaal Sinestro, the guy that's like Green Lantern only with a yellow ring.  Now this is interesting because Sinestro's primary motivation is imposing order on the universe, so the very idea of Discord casually replacing that order with chaos would make him very afraid indeed.  However, Sinestro's yellow ring is fueled by the power of his fear (he doesn't act very fearful because he channels it into instilling fear in others, like a bully).  So the more afraid Sinestro gets, the more dangerous he becomes.  Is there a tipping point that Discord can exploit to move on to the next round?  That's what we have to find out.


I've been told Olivia Dunham (from Fringe) has super powers and has the ability to access parallel universes, but the whole thing is pretty confusing (and I just explained how Sinestro's powers worked) so I'm not sure I want to get into it here.  Anyway, I decided that if her business is dealing with alternate realities then she might as well fight a guy from another reality.  Yes, the Spock from the evil universe where Spock has a beard is back.  I think he was last seen in Bash Wars IV or something.  I keep wondering why nobody just enters regular Spock but maybe evil Spock has more moxie.

Anyway, all I really understand about Dunham is that she's pyrokinetic, so realistically she will start shooting fireballs at Spock, but Spock will logically conclude that he can stand getting a little singed to run through her defenses and go for the Famous Vulcan Nerve Pinch.  (In the Mirror Universe, it's the same nerve pinch but it causes the victim to violently evacuate their bowels and then die, so it's more evil.)  However, there is a considerable probability that Spock will instead attempt the Famous Vulcan Mind Meld (again, more evil than the regular universe because it forces you to relive all the time's Spock has masturbated), which would be a mistake, because Dunham has telepathy or something and she can mind-meld him right back (making him relive his own embarrassing masturbation experiences).

In conclusion, I have no idea what I am talking about.


This is the classic Bash Wars situation where somebody thinks they're so smart for entering a guy that's on fire, but it doesn't occur to them that somebody else will enter a guy carrying a bucket of water.  I'm sure autobotsrollout figured Lex Luthor is a clever and dangerous hombre who will easily out-think and out-maneuver any conceivable opponent, and against most characters I would totally agree.  But guess what, Superman's in this tournament too, and I don't care how much you want to massage Lex Luthor's balls, he's 0-100,000 against Superman.  (Look at Superman up there, he's thinking "Shit, is that all?  I beat this guy up on my days off!")  I mean, I got all the respect in the world for Luthor, but let's face it--if he can't beat Superman he's not going to win this tournament, so we may as well get this out of the way right now.  

And maybe tonight is his night--he's certainly come close a time or two, and if there's anybody he's prepared for, it's the Man of Steel.  I'm sure he's got tons of kryptonite packed away in his battle suit, just in case this came up.  But remember--he's had tons of kryptonite for years and he's still never sealed the deal.  He's like a hunter in a deer stand wearing camouflage and using a scope and he still can't make the shot.

You may be saying to yourself "Well, this tournament is to the death and Superman never kills!"  That's true, and accordingly we've arranged it so that when Superman has his foe dead to rights and does the big speech about how he won't sink to our level of barbarism, we'll quietly euthanize his opponent to avoid the pointless ethical quandary.  However, I do think the critical factor in this fight is that Superman is fighting to win, and Luthor is fighting to kill, and that may give Lex the edge this time.  After all, this time the cops aren't coming to stop the fight by arresting him.


Next up is the Freddy Kruger versus Jason Vorhees of comic book super-pet fights.  Rex the Wonder Dog, celebrated in story and song for his absurd intelligence and skill in a crisis, had a poor showing in Bash Wars V, but he's back for more this year.  Only problem is that we have another dog in the tournament: Superman's dog Krypto, who has all the same powers as his master and likes biting people on the ass.  This has the potential to be one of the biggest slobberknockers of the tournament, as Krypto is going to throw everything he's got at Rex, but Rex is used to being in over his head and finding a way to save the day.

Again, you may think the "no killing" rule applies here, but as it happens this battle will be contested in accordance with Dog Law, which requires these two canines to fight to the finish, no matter the cost.


I suspect at this point nobody is still reading these things, so I'm going to start out by saying you're a smelly butt and your butt smells and I hate you.  Anyway, we all know Thor from his super-huge blockbuster movie where he stood around with no shirt on and struggled to wear those tight jeans.  But you may not be aware that Thor is also a powerful Norse god and a superhero with prodigious strength.  He also carries around a hammer that lets him shoot lightning at people.  In this round, the God of Thunder will be contending with Commander Badass from the webcomic Manly Guys Doing Manly Things.  Webcomics characters have historically done very poorly in Bash Wars, although in this case Commander Badass looks extremely constipated, so perhaps he has the key to make it to the fabled second round of the tournament.


This is an interesting matchup because what happened is that auraxoxo originally picked Castiel, the angel from Supernatural, and I wasn't sure that would make any sense and by the time we were done discussing it I had inadvertantly convinced her that Popeye was much better.  I'm persuasive like that.  So then redcoast picked Castiel and I was like "I don't knowwww..." but she stuck to her guns.  So in a clear case of BASH WARS PREVENGE, we must settle this dispute before it starts by finding out whether Popeye is or is not a better ass-kicker than Castiel (spoilers: he is).

My analysis of this fight is simple--Castiel has a bunch of twinky god-like powers and Popeye is just a mortal man who eats his vegetables.  But Bash Wars is about more than pure power.  I went and looked up a bunch of Castiel's fights and they're all over in five seconds because he's a frigging angel.  This guy's never had to go the distance.  Popeye, on the other hand, is 98 pounds soaking wet and has had to fight and scratch and claw to get anything.  He could just eat that spinach right away but he always saves it as a last resort.  He's like Captain America in that movie--even before he gets the steroids, he's trying his damnedest to kick that bully's ass, and there is no quit in the man.  Popeye could always just go "Blow me down, Bluto, you can keep Olive, this is too hard," but he doesn't because he has the eye of the tiger.  I'm not saying Castiel can't beat Popeye.  I'm just saying Popeye is going to make him work for it, and that will be an altogether new experience for this prettyboy.

That just leaves the final participant in Bash Wars VI, our #1 overall seed, who will debut in the second round to face the winner of Iroh vs. Hound.  This competitor comes to us via jonathan_7 and since I don't want him to have too much of an unfair advantage I've sent about eleven guys to go get him warmed up.  Let's see how that's working out:

Huh.  Everybody else better start eating their Wheaties.

All right, time to see if I can post the LARGEST POLL IN LIVEJOURNAL HISTORY.  Remember, if you're a member of gore_sports you can vote to determine the outcomes of these fights, and if you're not a member you can sign up (no sockpuppets please).

Poll #1796517 Bash Wars VI first round!!!
This poll is closed.

Leonidas vs. Sloth

Both Maimed and Killed

Deathsaurus vs. Kara Thrace

Kara Thrace
Both Maimed and Killed

Obelix vs. Xena

Both Maimed and Killed

Chewbacca vs. Sweetums

Both Maimed and Killed

Megatron vs. Dinobot

Both Maimed and Killed

Eliot Spencer vs. Jules Winfield

Eliot Spencer
Jules Winfield
Both Maimed and Killed

Mad Max vs. Ace Rimmer

Mad Max
Ace Rimmer
Both Maimed and Killed

Princess Leia vs. Zack Ryder

Princess Leia
Zack Ryder
Both Maimed and Killed (are you serious bro?)

Randy Savage vs. Andy Kaufman

Randy Savage
Andy Kaufman
Both Maimed and Killed

Buffy the Vampire Slayer vs. Medusa

Both Maimed and Killed

Omar Little vs. Elliot Stabler

Omar Little
Elliot Stabler
Both Maimed and Killed

Road Runner vs. Steve the Minecraft Guy

Road Runner
Steve the Minecraft Guy
Both Maimed and Killed

Nintendo Mike Tyson vs. Coaxmetal

Nintendo Mike Tyson
Both Maimed and Killed

Merlin vs. Harry Dresden

Harry Dresden
Both Maimed and Killed

The Terminator vs. Ace McShane

The Terminator
Ace McShane
Both Maimed and Killed

Master Splinter vs. Danger Mouse

Master Splinter
Danger Mouse
Both Maimed and Killed

Uncle Iroh vs. Sandor Clegane

Both Maimed and Killed

Sinestro vs. Discord

Both Maimed and Killed

Mirror Universe Spock vs. Olivia Dunham

Mirror Universe Spock
Olivia Dunham
Both Maimed and Killed

Superman vs. Lex Luthor

Lex Luthor
Both Maimed and Killed

Krypto the Super-Dog vs. Rex the Wonder Dog

Krypto the Super-Dog
Rex the Wonder Dog
Both Maimed and Killed

Thor vs. Commander Badass

Commander Badass
Both Maimed and Killed

Popeye vs. Castiel

Both Maimed and Killed

Hopefully that poll turned out okay--if not I'll fix it later.  Anyway, you have until 11:59pm (CST) this Saturday to make your votes, and then the winners will advance to the all-important second round!  See you then!


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[User Picture]From: mzak117
2011-11-20 10:30 pm (UTC)
Hey Jim, hasn't Sweetums been in this tournament before? I could have swore...
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[User Picture]From: jim_smith
2011-11-20 11:55 pm (UTC)
That sounds vaguely familiar but it's been a long couple of days.
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[User Picture]From: flamingtoilet
2011-11-20 10:42 pm (UTC)
This may be the best tournament yet.
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[User Picture]From: brandawg
2011-11-20 10:55 pm (UTC)
Ryder or riot! WWWYKI
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[User Picture]From: flamingtoilet
2011-11-21 12:33 am (UTC)
Are you serious, bro? #manhattanscrewjob
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[User Picture]From: menamebphil
2011-11-20 10:57 pm (UTC)
It was surprisingly difficult to choose which way to vote for a lot of these. A damn strong lineup this year.
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[User Picture]From: trivalent
2011-11-20 11:11 pm (UTC)
We can vote for our character right?
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[User Picture]From: jim_smith
2011-11-20 11:55 pm (UTC)
That's the general idea, yeah.
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[User Picture]From: mzak117
2011-11-21 12:28 am (UTC)
Going through the history of these things is pretty funny. Harry Dresden was actually in Bash Wars IV and went up against Gandalf in round 1 and lost. A very similar matchup for him here, lets see if he's learned anything.
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[User Picture]From: iscaria
2011-11-21 02:12 am (UTC)
Two men enter, one man leaves!
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[User Picture]From: pacoman
2011-11-21 02:32 am (UTC)
So, I'm not surprised my guy is losing to the leader of all Decepticons, what with this being (still) a popularity contest. But something for the people who haven't voted yet to consider - Dinobot is no mere Starscream, trying to wrest control of the Decepticons only to be effortlessly shot down. He once defeated the entire team of Decepticons, most of whom had received seasonal upgrades and were thus stronger than him. Including the Megatron from Beast Wars.

Now maybe G1 Megatron could beat BW Megatron in a fight, Transmetal upgrades or not. But the whole team? That's dicey. Dinobot did (he also died in the process, but if we're not putting Leonidas dying at the end of his famous battle against him, we shouldn't here, either).

So you, who haven't yet voted, choose the one who can go the distance. The one who fought to save proto-humans from Decepticon domination. The one who will, upon victory, taste the spark and circuits of his downed opponent!
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[User Picture]From: mike_smith
2011-11-21 03:17 am (UTC)
Easily, the worst tournament lineup in the history of our sport. Let me count the injustices perpetrated by Bash Wars President Jack Tunney.

One, Bruce Lee gets a bye? Explain that to me. Bruce Lee is a paper tiger and the world knows it. Sure, he can make sport of a dozen thugs in an alley. How does that qualify him for a number one seed? My lawyers have already consulted with Mr. Kaufman's attorneys, and I'm quite confident that the Bash Wars Championship committee will be facing a class-action lawsuit by the end of the year.

Second and third, Leonidas and Randy Savage are ranked ahead of my protege. Now I know Jimmy Dean provided a second-rate description of my fighter, but that hardly means he deserves a #2 seed. Let me remind the world of who this man is. Thirty-one wins! Zero losses. The undeafeated, undisputed, heavyweight champion of the world! Kid Dynamite. I don't care how many Persians it took to kill that chump Leonidas. I don't care how many Slim Jims Randy Savage ate in his career. Because this man is the Real. Deal. The Baddest Man on the Planet.

But it doesn't matter, Jimmy Dean, because no matter how much you stack the deck against him, Nintendo Mike Tyson will prevail. Hell, you may as well have given us the bye, considering what you've given us as "competition". Ain't that right, Mike?

"Yeah thath wight, Duttbawg. Who is thith guy? Kotexmetal? That thounds wike a feminine hygiene pwoduct or thomethin'"

Or somethin'. You know I didn't expect much for the first round, but RPG's? Oooo-ooo-oooh! Maybe we should get out a Plus 4 mace to defend ourselves. You see, Kotexmetal, I'll give you your due. You showed up. You rolled your little twelve-sided die, hoping to survive the first round, and got Nintendo Mike Tyson. Snake eyes. Boxcars. Yahtzee. But it's not so bad, right? You're some sort of metal creature or whatever. Well, that might have done you some good against (snort) Eliot, or the bad guy from the children's cartoon. Except this man right here is Irrron. Mike. Tyson. And against that, you may as well be made of toothpicks.

"Thith is a joke wight? Where'th the weal challenger?!"

But it's not all bad news, Kotex. I hear you want to unmake the world. Well, don't you worry your pretty little head about that, baby. Because even though your big useless boilerplate ass is going down in the first round, we here at D-Generation X share the same goal. So lay down and die, because the world ends just like you planned. Starting with you. And if you're not down with that, Iron Mike's just got two words for ya.

"Yeah, Thuck it, Duttbawg! Hey, Buthter Douglas isn't in this tournament, is he?"

For the last time, no. Now shut up.
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From: therealtbarrie
2011-11-29 03:41 am (UTC)
Yeah, well, I'm glad I noticed this round was posted, because I have some counterarguments that...

What do you mean, the second round's up already?
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[User Picture]From: aardy
2011-11-21 04:42 am (UTC)
Krypto vs. Rex may end up being a close match, but I don't think it's going to be anywhere near the biggest slobberknocker of this tournament.

Given the number of robots--including some pretty obscure ones at that--taking part this time around, I think Elsie-Dee would've fit in well enough and taken at least a couple of them out with her. Ah well, the battle of the bad-ass dogs will be interesting to watch, anyways. Out of curiosity, how many total entrants got rejected in order to finally get 47 "good" ones?

Waitamminit, I just noticed this-- a Bash Wars tournament where I'm not up against either thatnickguy or t0mcruise in round 1, and if I manage to get past round 1, I wouldn't see either of them in round 2, either? This is a novel experience for me; I'm not sure if I can handle it.
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[User Picture]From: mike_smith
2011-11-21 05:18 am (UTC)
Wait, a Bash Wars without Thatnickguy's dumb cat and/or t0mcruise's whining? Maybe things really have improved.

Given the number of robots--including some pretty obscure ones at that--taking part this time around, I think Elsie-Dee would've fit in well enough and taken at least a couple of them out with her.

Elsie-Dee? Really? Really?
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[User Picture]From: liabrown
2011-11-21 08:11 am (UTC)
Deathsaurus (Deszaras, if you prefer) has a giant fucking cannon, transforms into a huge dragon-bird thing, and has an excellent evil laugh. His chibi self is also far more adorable than Starbuck will ever be. Y'all are nuts.
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[User Picture]From: kingnixon
2011-11-25 04:13 pm (UTC)
i haven't seen that show actually. i mostly just wanted to emphasise the living backwards through time thing because that rules. but i have to say, the picture he wound up with is not too impressive. just on looks, i woulda gone with the unhinged merlin from excalibur:

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[User Picture]From: meester_bond
2011-11-21 08:57 am (UTC)
I really shouldn't need to say this, but the key factor here in this tournament is simply this:

Splinter trained the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Let me just repeat that, for emphasis:

Splinter trained the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

That's right. The one responsible for creating the World's Most Fearsome Fighting Team is none other than the "Radical Rat" himself: Hamato Yoshi a.k.a. Master Splinter a.k.a. the most badass character in the TMNT universe. And whatever the Turtles couldn't do against Shredder, Splinter was always able to make Shredder his bitch.

Frankly, no-one else in this tournament stands a chance. The only guys I see as even remote threats are Bruce Lee and Leonidas, which is why I'll be campaigning to heavily to face them in the Triple-Threat Final.
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[User Picture]From: kingnixon
2011-11-25 04:08 pm (UTC)
he can fight, but he's no badass. dude's too calm and mystical to really brawl. remember when he spent half the first movie chained up in a warehouse so he could have fatherly chats with that kid?
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[User Picture]From: mzak117
2011-11-21 11:58 pm (UTC)
Why are Superman, Thor, and Sinestro in the same bracket anyway? I feel like if this tournament happened for real they would easily be the 3 that came out of it. Maybe Castiel's angel powers would have him there? I dunno. Magic hurts Superman right, so maybe Merlin?
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[User Picture]From: shundizzle
2011-11-22 05:31 am (UTC)

Leonidas and eyebrows

Please vote for Leonidas,because I couldn't re-enter Eugene Levy's eyebrows. Thank you.
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