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Gore Sports - Making Up Fake Fights Since 1992

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It's not the end of the world... [Dec. 21st, 2012|09:02 pm]
Gore Sports - Making Up Fake Fights Since 1992

jim_smith
[Tags|]
[Current Location |Gore Sports Arena, Killinois]
[mood |Ready]
[music |AC/DC - War Machine]


bash-wars-7-logo
...and I feel DIE!

Details to follow.
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BASH WARS VI FINALS! [Dec. 26th, 2011|01:14 am]
Gore Sports - Making Up Fake Fights Since 1992

jim_smith
[Tags|]
[music |Sammy Hagar - Winner Takes It All]



The following contest, scheduled for one fall, is the final round of the 6th annual Bash Wars Open Invitational Tournament o' Death!  It is to determine the Two Thousand Eleven Bash Wars Superking, and it will be a THREE...WAY...DANCE!





Introducing first! Fighting on behalf of wiisp, from ancient Amphipolis, Greece!  The Destroyer of Nations...the Warrior Princess...XENA!



For five years, no woman has yet held the coveted Superking crown.  Beatrix Kiddo came agonizingly close, and to be quite honest if she had been facing anyone other than Count von Count I think she'd have taken the prize.  The question today is, can Xena reach the promised land?  I certaintly think it's probable.  To get this far she bested Obelix the Gaul 36-17, Chewbacca 31-28, King Leonidas 46-19, and Princess Leia 36-27.  Each of those opponents was favored to defeat her, and yet only Chewbacca got within nine points of victory. 




Next, fighting for beraht!  Representing the Scoobies, and residing near the Hellmouth of Sunnydale, California!  The Chosen One!  Buffyyyyyy theeee Vampire Slayerrrr!!


There is no denying the mental toughness and tenacity of the head cheerleader from Sunnydale High.  To reach the finals she bested Medusa 42-15, Randy Savage 39-18, the Road Runner 42-17, and Merlin 47-17--she has yet to win by less than 20 votes.  But I think against Xena she is definitely the underdog.  Similar fighting styles, similar fan bases.  But this is not a popularity contest--it's not about which fandom you pledge your allegiance to, it's about which of these ladies can whup the other, and Xena has the clear advantage in power, weaponry, and stamina.  It'd be a dream match to see these two one-on-one, but the fates are against it, because this is the biggest Bash Wars ever, and we've got one more cog in this war machine.



And the final competitor, sponsored by zoline!  Born in a cave in ancient Norway, now maintaining dual residence in Manhattan, New York and the kingdom of Asgard!  The Odinson!  The Thunderer!  Jormungand's Fear!  The Mightyyyyy THOR!



I believe that this is Thor's year.  And by that I don't mean to say he'll definitely win this match--you can't count out Buffy or Xena--but this is as perfect a storm as he'll ever have.  His movie just came out, and he'll be appearing in that blockbuster Avengers movie this coming summer.  Victories over Comander Badass 54-5, Popeye 43-16, Superman 36-25, and finally knocking out overall #1 seed Bruce Lee 41-22.  He's a handsome fella riding a wave of goodwill from his many admirers, and he's no slouch in a fight.  But as I said, this is no popularity contest, and Thor's gotta do it one more time, against two of the asskickingest women Midgard has to offer.  Yes, he already beat Superman, but that's why we have the tournament, to find out who the best of the best are, and then make 'em fight. 

This is going to come down to a battle of melee weapons--the chakram, the wooden stake, and the Uru mallet.  In the hands of their respective warriors, each tool can spell instant death, but against each other no one can say.  If they stand and slug it out, I have to give it to the thunder god, but I think we know it won't go down like that.  Xena is going to be jumping all over the place like a deadly pinball, and that spells trouble for Buffy, who is good with the sudden ninja-type flippy moves but can't hold a candle to her antecedent in the world of cheesy 1990s fantasy shows.  Buffy might be able to run rings around Thor, but against Xena she needs to keep it toe-to-toe and work strong style.  That won't be easy, especially with an immortal berzerker running around.

If everything feels chaotic and unpredictable, that's because it is.  The triple-threat nature of this matchup makes it ten times more difficult to analyze, and all three participants will be far less prepared.  Research into all three characters' experience with three-ways turned up some extremely provocative fan fiction, but no practical information relevant to, er, this particular scenario.  I suspect circumstances will favor Xena the most--as the most morally ambiguous of the three, she's been in battle situations with shifting loyalties and multiple enemies.  When it's "every man for himself," you're on no one's side but your own, and that's familiar territory for the warrior princess.  Not so much for Thor or Buffy--however I think Thor can most easily focus by simply holding his ground and letting his opponents come at him, treating them as a single, disorganized unit. 

There's only one way to settle this, and that's to let you decide!  Only one will survive--there will be no teaming up and fighting Skeletor and Hordak at the end!  Who will win?  Who will lose?  Who will play Ross Perot and cost somebody else the victory?  We're about to find out!

Poll #1805903 Bash Wars Finals! Xena vs. Buffy vs. Thor for all the marbles!
This poll is closed.

Who will be your king/queen?

Xena, Warrior Princess
15(28.3%)
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
21(39.6%)
Thor, God of Thunder
17(32.1%)


Remember, you can only vote if you're a member of gore_sports, and if you're not you can join right now!  (This is the most important poll in the history of the internet, so bear with us while we screen for ballot-box stuffers and sockpuppets.)  Voting will continue until 11:59 pm (Chicago time) on December 31--as soon as my computer says it's 2012, it's the end of the world for two of these competitors!

That's it for now!  Check back soon for more action, including our high-stakes Bash Wars main event!
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Bash Wars Six Will Not Die! [Dec. 14th, 2011|10:22 pm]
Gore Sports - Making Up Fake Fights Since 1992

jim_smith
[Tags|]
[music |Sammy Hagar - Winner Takes It All]


It has been a trying couple of weeks at Gore Sports, LLC, Inc., where I have been laid up more than once by a nasty cold that threatened to derail the entire tournament.  But I am proud to say that my immune system has rallied back, like a bunch of Power Ranger nerds angrily insisting that Tommy the Green Ranger should advance in Bash Wars over the broken body of Sailor Jupiter.  And so we are back, ladies and gentlemen, because we won't be denied!  Like the Ultimate Warrior's ass says in my userpic, IT MEANS MUCH MORE THAN THIS!  I will not be stopped!  None of you will be stopped!  Well, actually, 41 of you have already been stopped, so maybe I should just focus on the remaining six.

Six!  Normally we would call the semifinals the Final Four, but in this, the BASHEST WARS IN HISTORY, we six blood-soaked hellraisers who won't stay down!  After this round, only three will remain, to go on to the final round to determine the sixth-ever BASH WARS SUPERKING!  A lot of the favorites have been brushed aside, so anything could happen now!  No one is safe!  Not even you!  Bleeearrghh!

I'll shut up now.


6. PRINCESS LEIA
(seraangel)
VERSUS
13. XENA
(wiisp)

I didn't consider Leonidas or Megatron solid locks to make it to the semis, but I was really surprised neither of them advanced.  Xena has proven she was criminally underrated in the seeding with a crushing 46-19 victory over the Spartan king, while Princess Leia bested Megatron in a 39-27 win.  I'm starting to think both of these warrior princesses could go all the way...so of course I love it that they are now pitted against each other, and only one will survive.

This is a classic matchup between sci-fi space opera and sword-and-sorcery fantasy.  Xena has the edge in size and strength, but Leia has the advanced weaponry and knows how to use them.  Ordinarily you'd think it would help the ancient warrior that the futuristic space hero has never dealt with anything that wasn't armed with a raygun.  But Leia knows her way around knights and barbarians and swashbucklers, and she's always come out on top.  Will that be enough to make it to the finals and avenge the bloody death of her pal Chewbacca?


8. BUFFY THE
VAMPIRE SLAYER

(beraht)
VERSUS
7. MERLIN
(kingnixon)

Now that I think about it, a Terminator vs. Road Runner battle would have been pretty interesting, but it just wasn't in the cards.  Buffy shut down the lovable bird in a 42-17 spanking; the deadly cyborg fell to Merlin in a 36-30 heartbreaker.  And so now we have Buffy vs. Merlin and I haven't come up with an angle for this one yet.  Gimme a minute.

OK, this is going to come down to whichever of these combatants can literally get their hands around the other's neck.  I say this because Merlin is not a vampire, and more to the point can surely survive a stake to the heart.  (I mean, he'd just move his heart of the way real fast or something.)  By the same token, Merlin can try to turn Buffy into a mouse or a frog or something, but that won't help because she'll still have her slayer power or however that works.  So this is going to quickly break down into a good old fashioned bare-knuckle brawl between the old man and the young lady.


1. BRUCE LEE
(jonathan_7)
VERSUS
3. THOR
(zoline)

As expected, they don't have Bruce Lee movies in the Mirror Universe, so Mirror Universe Spock didn't know what hit him and got the ever-loving crap beat out of him 36-25.  And in one of my personal dream matches, Thor avenged his controversial loss to Superman in JLA/Avengers with his own 36-25 victory. 

Bruce is gonna have to be real real careful here, because he's not used to tangling with somebody who's way stronger and tougher than he is.  I mean, Thor's a god and stuff.  Plus he's got a giant-ass hammer and he just killed Superman with it.  Also the lightning.  But don't be writing Bruce Lee's eulogy just yet, because if Thor has any weakness, it's his pride.  I know you all saw the movie and how Thor finally got his head out of his ass, but let me assure you--he sticks it back up there pretty often.  He's the god of thunder, scoring 24/7, it's hard to be humble.  Thor's arrogance and rage  make him all the more dangerous against most opponents, but the calm, clear-eyed discipline of Bruce Lee will turn all of that against him.  Even the strongest opponent can be made to defeat himself--if that sounds like devious trickery, consider that Thor is pretty vulnerable to that sort of thing.  Of course, the Odinson's always got a puncher's chance (which is much higher when the puncher is holding a mallet), but don't expect this to be a cakewalk.

All right, there you have it.  It's time to choose the winners, and if you want a piece of the action just make sure you join gore_sports to make your voice heard!  Notice that the "Both Maimed and Killed" option is off the table, so all you fence-straddlers are out of luck.  We must have finalists because there must be a winner!

Poll #1803164 Bash Wars Semifinals
This poll is closed.

Princess Leia vs. Xena, Warrior Princess

Leia
27(42.9%)
Xena
36(57.1%)

Buffy the Vampire Slayer vs. Merlin

Buffy
47(73.4%)
Merlin
17(26.6%)

Bruce Lee vs. Thor

Bruce Lee
22(34.9%)
Thor
41(65.1%)


We're a bit behind 'cuz I been sick, so we'll be opening this poll tonight and closing it down at 11:59pm (Chicago time) on Wednesday, December 21.  Considering the holiday season and stuff, I have no idea when I'll post the finals, so I won't make any promises just yet.
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Gore Sports (No-)Quarterfinals [Dec. 5th, 2011|01:31 am]
Gore Sports - Making Up Fake Fights Since 1992

jim_smith
[Tags|]
[music |Sammy Hagar - Winner Takes It All]


So far the update schedule for this year's tournament has been as follows:
  • First round: I have 23 fights to write up for Saturday night, I stay up till 3am working on it, then give up and do it on Sunday.
  • Second round: Thanksgiving kicked my ass, I'm worn out Saturday, I give up and do it on Sunday.
  • This round: I'm sick as a dog all week, so I close the poll on Saturday and then fall asleep and update Sunday.

Clearly I'm getting too old for this shit.  I need to relocate the tournament to Florida and do it on location.  On the other hand, we're seeing an impressive turnout whether I post the next round immediately after the conclusion of the previous round, so maybe that's better for everyone (read: me).

Anyway, apologies to anyone I approved to join/vote at the last minute and didn't get a chance to vote in the second round.  I always try to do right by the folks who join for the sole purpose of trying in vain to save Inch-High Private Eye from a fake defeat by the Trollkins.  But as Bash Wars has taught us all, you can't win 'em all.

Anyway, our field of 47 is now reduced to 12 brave souls in what would ordinarily be the Elite Eight.  This is where the picture starts to get clearer.  One of this dirty dozen shall be your new king.  (Or queen--I think this year we've had more women get this far than ever before.)  But only six will punch, kick, hack, slash, shoot, and eye-gouge their way to the semis.  Just to remind you, next week we will see three semifinal matches, and then the following week the winners will square off in a winner-take-all, losers-take-a-dirt-nap slobberknocker.


1. LEONIDAS
(shundizzle)
VERSUS
13. XENA
(wiisp)
This bout is the result of two really close scrapes.  Leonidas only barely eviscerated Kara Thrace 32-29, while Xena narrowly jingled all the way to a 31-28 buzzer-beater against Chewbacca.  Both of these warriors hung in by a thread, and now the question is how many of those 32 Leonidas voters and 31 Xena voters, will now switch when they're forced to choose between these two.

Although outwardly similar sword-and-sandal heroes, Leonidas is a straight-ahead, javelin-to-the-neck kind of fighter, whereas Xena prefers more of the Power Ranger style of leaping all over the place kicking and stuff.  I'm sure both of them have some snappy quip about the absurdity of the other's form, but words won't settle this one.  These two are going to rumble until one of them walks away with the other's head.  I still have to think Leonidas is the favorite to win, but Xena is presently the cinderella of the tournament, so you'd be stupid to count her out.

The winner of Leonidas/Xena will face one of these two competitors!


2. MEGATRON
(cheapriboflavin)
VERSUS
6. PRINCESS LEIA
(seraangel)

Megatron got a good fight from Jules Winnfield, but in the end he prevailed with a healthy 35-23.  However, Princess Leia isn't doing so bad herself, dusting #3 seed Mad Max by a slightly higher margin, 38-22.  I certainly wish I go back in time and consult eight-year-old me for expert analysis of this matchup, but we have to make the best of what we have.

On paper, Megatron certainly has to be favored to win by virtue of being a walking fusion cannon the size of a truck.  He has no mercy for flesh creatures and will not hesitate to obliterate them.  (Unless it's an episode of Transformers; then he'll just talk and forget to kill them.)  However...when I think of walking death robots, I think of the ground forces of the Galactic Empire, and I think of Leia leading and winning a full-scale rebellion against their asses.  She's used to facing long odds and beating them.  Darth Vader couldn't crack this lady.


8. BUFFY THE
VAMPIRE SLAYER

(beraht)
VERSUS
5. THE ROAD RUNNER
(sachmet)

Buffy the Vampire Slayer has slain the first of our #1 seeds, "Macho Man" Randy Savage, in what I consider a gigantic 39-18 upset.  I don't have any idea how so few people recognized the incredible power of Macho Madness, but what's done is done and Randy Savage must now be scraped off the floor of the Bash Wars arena and fed to the rabid guard dogs who surround the facility.  Buffy is on a tear here, and it should be interesting to see if anybody has the formula needed to shut her down.

I'm similarly impressed that the Road Runner has made it this far, defeating Omar Little 34-20.  This fight should be interesting since neither competitor plays to the others strengths--the Road Runner will not stand and fight with Buffy, and Buffy will not track him and box him into a trap.  I expect this one to play out with Road Runner zipping all over the place at top speed waiting for Buffy to make a mistake, and Buffy standing still (stake in hand) waiting for Road Runner to lower his guard.  This one will be interesting to watch.

The winner of Buffy/Road Runner will go on to face the winner of this match:


3. THE TERMINATOR
(richardjohnson1)
VERSUS
7. MERLIN
(kingnixon)

Evidently mike_smith's whining and bitching strategy didn't work, since Nintendo Mike Tyson got clobbered 40-20 by Merlin.  On the other hand, richardjohnson1 's strategy of entering a nigh-indestructible kill-bot seems to be going great, as the Terminator crushed Master Splinter 31-27.  So now we get to see Merlin fight the Terminator.

The interesting thing here is that the Terminator is an android, covered with synthetic flesh but primarily constructed from super-strong metal from the future.  I don't know what the hell he's made of exactly, but I bet steel is involved, and steel contains iron.  Iron is like kryptonite to magic types, and all Merlin does is magic.  I mean, his father was a demon or something.  So this is going to get rough for Merlin, because he might be able to blast away the Terminator's skin, but all that's going to do is make T-800 look cooler.  Once the metal skeleton is exposed, Merlin won't be able to so much as touch Terminator, let alone cast a spell on the guy.  That might not be so bad in a fight with Robby the Robot, but Terminator is coming to kill your ass, so you better come up with some offense. 



1. BRUCE LEE
(jonathan_7)
VERSUS
5. MIRROR UNIVERSE SPOCK
(andrewmillerphd)

Bruce Lee entered the tournament last round and racked up his first win by defeating Uncle Iroh 36-24.  Having demonstrated his martial arts prowess, he must now contend with a more alien opponent.  Mirror Universe Spock made short work of Sinestro in a 34-19 drubbing, and I believe this is now the furthest any version of Spock has advanced in Bash Wars. 

The key to this fight is Lee's phenomenal ninja power skills, reliant upon instinct and human feeling, going up against Evil Spock's fearsome Vulcan strength and cold logical determination.  Also worth considering is that, while Bruce Lee is most likely vaguely aware of Mister Spock, this version of Spock has likely never heard of Bruce Lee, since in the Mirror Universe Bruce Lee wasn't very good at fighting and was killed by a gang of unimpressive street thugs.  I don't know if that has any impact on the fight but I thought it might be funny so just go with it.

Whoever emerges from that battle will have little time to rest before facing one of these guys!


2. SUPERMAN
(oflittlefaith)
VERSUS
3. THOR
(zoline)

Oh ho ho!  Following Superman's 35-19 revenge against Rex the Wonder Dog and Thor's 43-16 destruction of Popeye, we are now left with a classic comic book dream match.  (Personally I'd rather see Superman versus Popeye, but we'll take what we get.)   We've seen this match-up before, in the DC/Marvel co-publication JLA/Avengers, and in that outing Superman proved to be the better man...on that day.  As Thor observed in that same story, thing could always turn out differently the next time, and as it happens the next time is now, when Thor is riding high.

Let me spare you the quibbling details of comic book fight debates by saying I probably own more Superman and Thor comics than you do, so I speak from some authority when I say they're roughly even in terms of strength, flight, and durability.  Every wannabe expert will point out that Superman is vulnerable to magic, but that's a non-issue--Batman is vulnerable to fire but that doesn't mean lighting a match will hurt him, or that second-degree burns will stop him from beating your ass.  So yeah, Thor is going to try to use his magic hammer and shoot magic lightning at Supes, and that'll hurt the big guy.  But Superman will be hitting him back with super-speed punches and heat vision, and that'll hurt Thor too, believe me.  This one will be ugly and brutal, but it will be evenly matched.  In the end it'll come down to one of these titans landing that one big Sunday punch...but who will it be?


That, and other decisions, are yours to make!  Just fill out the poll below to select the six champions who will advance to our semifinals!   Remember, anyone who's a member of gore_sports can vote, and anybody who isn't can join!

Poll #1800839 Bash Wars Quarterfinals!
This poll is closed.

Leonidas vs. Xena

Leonidas
19(26.4%)
Xena
46(63.9%)
Both Maimed and Killed
7(9.7%)

Megatron vs. Princess Leia

Megatron
27(38.0%)
Princess Leia
39(54.9%)
Both Maimed and Killed
5(7.0%)

Buffy the Vampire Slayer vs. the Road Runner

Buffy
42(58.3%)
Road Runner
17(23.6%)
Both Maimed and Killed
13(18.1%)

The Terminator vs. Merlin

Terminator
30(41.1%)
Merlin
36(49.3%)
Both Maimed and Killed
7(9.6%)

Bruce Lee vs. Mirror Universe Spock

Bruce Lee
36(50.7%)
Mirror Universe Spock
25(35.2%)
Both Maimed and Killed
10(14.1%)

Superman vs. Thor

Superman
25(34.7%)
Thor
36(50.0%)
Both Maimed and Killed
11(15.3%)


The poll closes on Saturday night, December 10, at 11:59pm (Chicago time)!  The next round begins whenever I get to it.
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BASH WARS SECOND ROUND!!! [Nov. 28th, 2011|01:10 am]
Gore Sports - Making Up Fake Fights Since 1992

jim_smith
[Tags|]
[music |Sammy Hagar - Winner Takes It All]


History was made in the first round of Bash Wars VI, as a record-shattering twenty-three battles were waged simultaneously.  Who emerged victorious, only to be rewarded with another round of violence?  We shall soon see, starting with the west brackets.



1. LEONIDAS
(shundizzle)
VERSUS
9. KARA "STARBUCK" THRACE
(trivalent)
I've mentioned how pleased I was with the strength of the field in this year's tournament, but at the same time it is bittersweet that so many strong entrants must be cut down so early in the competition.  Sloth from Goonies was a damn fine fellow, but this just wasn't his year, as he fell in a 42-17 slaughter.  It's a shame he had to leave us, but if anybody has the stoic resolve to eliminate him, it's Leonidas from 300.  Man, I forgot how grim he looks in that picture.  This man does not give a crap.  Like wave after wave of Persians pouring through the Hot Gates, he just wants to keep 'em coming.

Leonidas now faces a different sort of challenge, as Kara Thrace has dispensed with Dethsaurus 32-18.  Although they're both warriors, committed to a hopeless battle against overwhelming forces, Leonidas and Starbuck have some key differences.  As a Spartan hero-king, Leonidas is both a politician and a general, whereas Thrace is a senior flight officer who carries out the orders of her superior.  This may indicate a difference in tactics--whereas Starbuck is going to be primarily focused on the battle at hand, Leonidas will be looking at the long-term strategy.




5. CHEWBACCA
(runenklinge)
VERSUS
13. XENA
(wiisp)

I was surprised to learn that Xena beat Obelix 36-17, but I suppose I shouldn't have been--just because her show's been off TV for, like, ten years doesn't mean she can't kick ass.  Similarly, I should have realized that as dangerous as Sweetums is, he just couldn't stack up to the feral rage of Chewbacca, who ate him 38-20.

Chewbacca and Xena don't have a lot in common, although I would imagine they're both skilled in low-tech weaponry since Xena lived in ancient times and Chewie had that crossbow thing.  The main thing I can come up with is that they both featured in ricockulous Christmas specials involving non-Christmas holidays.  The Winter Solstice and the Kashyyyk Life Day are both coming up real soon, so both of these warriors are naturally in an awful big hurry to get home for the festivities and celebrate with the kids.  Hence I randomly stipulate that this contest shall be a BLACK FRIDAY BLACK DEATH DEATH MATCH.  Our combatants will fight, scratch, and claw to obtain a single Turbo-Man action figure for the benefit of their respective shorties.  The winner will advance to the tournament and his/her holiday season will be saved!  The loser will be forcibly injected with Yersinia pestis and left for dead. 

I cannot believe I came up with all of that off the top of my head.   Damn I'm good.


2. MEGATRON
(cheapriboflavin)
VERSUS
10. JULES WINNFIELD
(iacha)

Megatron pretty much shot Dinobot dead in a 42-9 blowout, proving once and for all that original Transformers are way more awesome than Beast Wars.  Nuff said.  Meanwhile, my high hopes for Eliot Spencer have totally crashed and burned, as he has been completely owned by Jules Winnfield, 33-21.  Spencer's strategy of "run around doing awesome shit" seems to have collapsed in the face of Winnfield's more succinct "catch target at gunpoint, then unexpectedly shoot to kill."  Makes sense when you think about it.

I was going to write up a comparison of Megatron's trans-form, a Walther P38, with Winnfield's Star Model B, but since I don't know shit about guns I'll just skip it since Megatron's gun form shoots lasers anyway.  Point is, this is a battle between a guy who uses guns and a guy that is a gun.  It's worth analyzing the marksmanship of these respective warriors.  Megatron is, well, not a particularly good shot considering that all he has to do is shoot and he's equipped with a frigging scope.  However, as far as I know Winnfield is not particularly better with his weapon--his work primarily involves executions, not gunfights, and I am unaware of him ever needing to hit a moving or distant target, which could pose a problem when shooting at a robot that flies.  This shootout may simply be a question of which competitor can take the most hits, which I suppose again favors Megatron.


3. MAD MAX
(iscaria)
VERSUS
6. PRINCESS LEIA
(seraangel)

I was really hoping for a Zack Ryder vs. Ace Rimmer battle here, but it just wasn't in the cards--Mad Max clobbered Rimmer 34-17, and Leia fist-pumped Ryder's face in a 46-9 embarrassment.  Now these two '80s sci-fi icons must do battle, and in light of their respective skills I have booked it as a DEATH RACE 2000 (1975) 2011 MATCH.  Max will of course be driving his Pursuit Special, while Leia will be astride an Imperial 74-Z speeder bike.  Both participants must race through Hoosier National Forest at top speed....first one to crash into a tree, or off the side of a cliff, loses. 


Time to check out the East brackets...


1. "MACHO MAN" RANDY SAVAGE
(flamingtoilet)
VERSUS
8. BUFFY THE
VAMPIRE SLAYER

(beraht)

This should be a highly anticipated if completely nonsensical matchup, coming as a result of Randy Savage's 40-10 defeat of Andy Kaufman and Buffy's 42-15 victory over Medusa.  Macho and Buffy are both fan favorites and the winner of this bout will be a natural favorite to go all the way.  Buffy is again hampered by the fact that her opponent is not a vampire and thus does not fit into her specialized talents.  I guess Buffy's all super-strong and shit but dude, it's Macho Man Randy Savage, so I think that's pretty even.  I just watched a montage of Buffy fight scenes and she seems to prefer that fake-looking "I will kick at the empty space where you will put your leg to block my kick" kind of fighting, which should match up pretty well with Savage's "I will pretend to lift you while you do a flip over me" style.

Unexpectedly, I think the biggest issue is going to be the weight difference--Buffy looks like she hasn't slain a sandwich in months, if you get my drift, and I figure she's fighting at about a buck-twenty, whereas Macho Man weighs in at about 240 pounds.  I think it's safe to say neither of them is used to an opponent of the other's size, and that may be the x-factor in this contest.


4. OMAR LITTLE
(noiretblanc)
VERSUS
5. THE ROAD RUNNER
(sachmet)

Omar was given a run for his money by Elliot Stabler, but in the end the cheese stood alone in 23-19 shooting.  I still think Omar's a pretty interesting combatant in this tournament, and he could go far, but he won't truly be tested until he goes up against some tougher competition.  He may get it in the form of the Road Runner, who bested Steve the Minecraft Guy 40-14.

This matchup presents a clear dilemma for Omar, because he's going to have a hard time shooting a bird that moves at the speed of sound.  That being said, Omar is very clearly smarter than Wile E. Coyote.  That's an important fact to consider--we all know the Road Runner is hardcore, but it's one thing to outwit a coyote that can barely fire a rifle without blowing his own face off.  It's another thing altogether to go up against a guy who knows how to handle his piece, and we don't know if Road Runner can do it.  Omar is not going to be ordering Acme exploding tennis balls--his traps and plans are extremely basic and fatally effective.


2. NINTENDO
MIKE TYSON
(mike_smith)
VERSUS
7. MERLIN
(kingnixon)

The video game form of Mike Tyson totally annihilated Coaxmetal, whatever Coaxmetal was, in a 47-7 rout.  Meanwhile, Merlin clobbered Harry Dresden 36-15.  Here we see two important lessons about choosing your Bash Wars entrant.  First, if nobody cares about your guy, he will die hard.  Second, if your guy isn't even the best at what he does, chances are he will get clobbered by the guy who is the best.  Anyway, now Merlin from The Once And Future King is going to fight Mike Tyson from Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!.

This is a tricky fight to analyze because I don't know that Tyson has ever faced a magic-based offense, or that Merlin has ever taken a punch to the face.  However, I do know that the World Video Boxing Association features a magical pugilist, Great Tiger, and he is far lower in the rankings than Kid Dynamite.  I figure this fight will start off with Merlin dazzling and bewildering Iron Mike with some fancy tricks, and then Tyson will hit Merlin harder than he's ever been hit in his life.  What happens after that is anyone's guess.


3. THE TERMINATOR
(richardjohnson1)
VERSUS
6. MASTER SPLINTER
(meester_bond)

The Terminator showed no mercy and no regret in terminating Ace McShane in a 39-15 explosion, and so he robotically advances to his next target.  This time he squares off against Master Splinter, who only barely knocked off Danger Mouse in a nail-biting 30-25 decision.  Splinter is a tough old rat, but the competition is only going to get worse going forward.  Much of his training and skill relies on exploiting his opponent's physical or mental weakpoints, but in this case the Terminator has none.  That's not a total disaster, since Splinter has tons of experience contending with roboting Mousers and Foot Soldiers, but the T-800 model is programmed with far more sophisticated tactical and psychological subroutines.  I can't call a winner on this, but I expect either Terminator to win in a blowout or Splinter to just narrowly, er, squeak by.

OK, almost done folks, let's look at our last four fights in the Midwest brackets, or whatever name I made up for them last week.


1. BRUCE LEE
(jonathan_7)
VERSUS
8. UNCLE IROH
(sbarrie)

Let's just say I took a lot of heat for pitting Sandor Clegane against Uncle Iroh, and I will probably get burned some more now that Iroh has scorched the Hound 25-15. Interestingly, that bout received the most "Both Maimed and Killed" votes in the first round, which tells me that nobody knows or cares who either of those guys are.

Now Iroh has to go up against Bruce Lee.  Yeah, that Bruce Lee.  It's a pretty strong field this year and I don't want to say that Bruce is going to walk away with the Superking crown, but I think it's safe to say he could kick a lot of ass if he doesn't get stopped right here.  And hey, maybe he will--I was just saying last week that older ninjas are always way better than younger ninjas, and Iroh looks to be about eleventy-four years old.  However, I think it is worth noting that it took me a long time to find a picture of Iroh doing anything besides sitting around looking happy, whereas I'd have a hard time finding any picture of Bruce Lee not looking like he's gonna kick somebody's ass.

It says here that the firebending art that Iroh has mastered is notable for an intense attacking style and limited defensive moves.  I think that could be fatal against Bruce Lee, who is extraordinarily talented at deflecting an attack and overwhelming an opponent's defenses.  Of course, on the other hand Iroh's attacks will involve shooting fire out of his face, so that may compensate for his limitations.


4. SINESTRO
(mzak117)
VERSUS
5. MIRROR UNIVERSE SPOCK
(andrewmillerphd)
Sinestro brought order to chaos with his 34-20 defeat of Discord, and Evil Spock sent Olivia Dunham back to Ne'erherduvia in a body bag with his 45-13 win.  Now these two aliens must battle it out with each other.  Seeing as Spock doesn't have a power ring, I think he's at a severe disadvantage, but you can never count the crafty Vulcan out.  If I know Spock (or if evil me knows evil Spock, I guess), he'll catch on pretty quick that Sinestro's whole deal is built around fear--fear that Spock does not possess, fear that Sinestro struggles to conceal and control, fear that Spock can turn to his advantage using impeccable logic.  Either that or Sinestro will make a giant yellow dinosaur that crushes Spock into guacamole.


2. SUPERMAN
(oflittlefaith)
VERSUS
10. REX THE WONDER DOG
(aardy)
Unsurprisingly, Superman defeated Lex Luthor 37-16.  Dude seems pretty happy about it, too.  You know what he isn't too happy about?  Probably the fact that Rex the Wonder Dog defeated Krypto the Super-Dog 27-18.  Remember, these things are to the death (none of that "to the pain" bullshit), so Rex killed Superman's dog.  So this time it's personal.

I think it's safe to say that Rex is the Batman of dogs (moreso than even Ace the Bat-hound) so this has the makings of your classic Superman/Batman fight, except that unlike Batman (or more to the point, Luthor), Rex is not merely some smartass whose primarily skill is showing off how smart he is.  Rex is, to borrow a phrase, the motherfucking wonder dog, so his thinking is not limited to having secret stashes of kryptonite.  Rex is a lateral thinker who, upon realizing he's gotta fight Supes, will be considering dozens of possible options, including red solar radiation and psychological attack vectors.  Mind you, Superman is no slouch himself, and he's made a career out of besting people smart enough to neutralize his powers.  This one ought to be interesting, if nothing else.


3. THOR
(zoline)
VERSUS
6. POPEYE
(auraxoxo)
The God of Thunder absolutely destroyed Commander Badass, with the final tally standing at fifty-four to five.  That may be some kind of record.  I've always believed that it helps you in Bash Wars if your movie just came out, and with Thor-mania riding as high as it ever will, Thor is a major threat to everyone in this tournament.  Of course, since Popeye dispatched the archangel Castiel 37-20, supernatural powers aren't enough to assure victory.

Given the unique qualities of these two warriors, I feel it is only fitting that they compete in a LADDER ON A POLE MATCH.  We will suspend Thor's enchanted mallet Mjolnir and Popeye's spinach can high above the unforgiving Bash Wars arena, leaving Thor at the power level he had in the second act of the movie and Popeye at the power level he has at the beginning of each cartoon.  Then they will BRAWL to be the first to reach a ladder suspended on a pole--the first man to reach the ladder gets to use it to retrieve their totem.  I feel these conditions should be fair and extremely violent, since de-hammered Thor still has all those cool Asgardian martial arts skills and de-spinached Popeye is still a sailor in the frigging United States Navy.

All right, it's time for you to vote for the winners of these 12 contests. The winners go on to the quarterfinals--the losers go on to a pine overcoat! Remember, anyone who's a member of gore_sports can vote, and anybody who isn't can join!

Poll #1798773 Bash Wars VI second round!!!
This poll is closed.

Leonidas vs. Kara Thrace

Leonidas
32(47.8%)
Kara Thrace
29(43.3%)
Both Maimed and Killed
6(9.0%)

Chewbacca vs. Xena

Chewbacca
28(41.8%)
Xena
31(46.3%)
Both Maimed and Killed
8(11.9%)

Megatron vs. Jules Winnfield

Megatron
35(54.7%)
Jules Winnfield
23(35.9%)
Both Maimed and Killed
6(9.4%)

Mad Max vs. Princess Leia

Mad Max
22(33.3%)
Princess Leia
38(57.6%)
Both Maimed and Killed
6(9.1%)

Randy Savage vs. Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Randy Savage
18(26.9%)
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
39(58.2%)
Both Maimed and Killed
10(14.9%)

Omar Little vs. Road Runner

Omar Little
20(30.8%)
Road Runner
34(52.3%)
Both Maimed and Killed
11(16.9%)

Nintendo Mike Tyson vs. Merlin

Nintendo Mike Tyson
20(30.3%)
Merlin
40(60.6%)
Both Maimed and Killed
6(9.1%)

The Terminator vs. Master Splinter

The Terminator
31(48.4%)
Master Splinter
27(42.2%)
Both Maimed and Killed
6(9.4%)

Bruce Lee vs. Uncle Iroh

Bruce Lee
36(54.5%)
Iroh
24(36.4%)
Both Maimed and Killed
6(9.1%)

Sinestro vs. Mirror Universe Spock

Sinestro
19(30.2%)
Mirror Universe Spock
34(54.0%)
Both Maimed and Killed
10(15.9%)

Superman vs. Rex the Wonder Dog

Superman
35(54.7%)
Rex the Wonder Dog
19(29.7%)
Both Maimed and Killed
10(15.6%)

Thor vs. Popeye

Thor
43(68.3%)
Popeye
16(25.4%)
Both Maimed and Killed
4(6.3%)


The poll closes on Saturday night, December 3, at 11:59pm (Chicago time), and then we'll be back for more hot Bash Wars action!
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Bash Wars Control Center [Nov. 26th, 2011|10:41 pm]
Gore Sports - Making Up Fake Fights Since 1992

jim_smith
Holy crap I'm really tired.

In light of the holiday weekend and my extreme tired-ness, the conclusion of the first round of Bash Wars VI will be delayed until Sunday night, November 27, at 11:59pm (Chicago time).  This should be a load off my mind, as I've been kind of slow approving new people to join the community, and this way they get a little more of a chance to vote.

Anyway, since I ain't doing crap tonight, let's take a look at the current scoreboard! 

Leonidas 40, Sloth 14
Kara Thrace 28, Deathsaurus 17
Xena 34, Obelix 14
Chewbacca 36, Sweetums 17
Megatron 39, Dinobot 9
Jules Winfield 32, Eliot Spencer 19
Mad Max 33, Ace Rimmer 14
Princess Leia 41, Zack Ryder 9  (Zack's dad voted for John Morrison)
Randy Savage 37, Andy Kaufman 8
Buffy the Vampire Slayer 38, Medusa 14
Omar Little 22, Elliot Stabler (ooh, mighty close)
Road Runner 38, Steve the Minecraft Guy 11
Nintendo Mike Tyson 43, Coaxmetal 7
Merlin 31, Harry Dresden 15
Terminator 36, Ace McShane 13
Splinter 30, Danger Mouse 21
Uncle Iroh 21, Sandor Clegane 14
Sinestro 33, Discord 16
Mirror Universe Spock 41, Olivia Dunham 12
Superman 34, Lex Luthor 14
Rex 25, Krypto 16
Thor 49, Commander Badass 5 (ouuuuch)
Popeye 33, Castiel 19

Remember, these tallies aren't final, so if you don't like them there's still time to recruit a dozen fellers to join the community and do something about it.  Well, except for Commander Badass, I'm pretty sure he's screwed. 
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BASH WARS VI FIRST ROUND [Nov. 20th, 2011|03:41 pm]
Gore Sports - Making Up Fake Fights Since 1992

jim_smith
[Tags|]
[mood |exhaustedexhausted]
[music |Sammy Hagar - Winner Takes It All]



WELCOME TO THE BIGGEST BASH WARS IN HISTORY!!!!

In the end, forty-seven brave souls have stepped forth to participate in this year's tournament.  So instead of the usual format of two brackets of sixteen competitors, we will be having three 16-person brackets, with the winner of each bracket meeting in a THREE-WAY DANCE for the finals.  (Since 47 doesn't divide by 16 too well, one lucky feller gets a bye this week.) 

And now, let's go to Howard Finkel for the rules.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for the sixth annual Bash Wars Open Invitational Tournament o' Death!  Please allow me to explain the rules!

The tournament is single-elimination, and will begin with a series of one-on-one contests, in which each participant will be equipped with only the standard items they normally carry.  The winner of each battle will be determined by you in a popular vote!  The competitor who receives the most votes will advance to the next round, having murdered his or her opponent!  In the event of a tie, both competitors will advance, continuing their battle while facing their next opponent!  In the event that more than half of the vote goes to the "Both Maimed and Killed" option, then all participants will die and none will advance!

Once all other competitors have been eliminated, the last remaining competitor who has slain all his or her enemies will be declared the winner, and new Bash Wars SUPERKING!
I think that about covers it.  Remember, folks, this is not simply a popularity contest or a "who has the best fandom" wankoff.  This is a bloodsport--these forty-seven warriors are going to beat the piss out of each other, and your vote indicates who you think can win a vicious brawl.  I have seeded the tournament according to my personal sense of who has the best advantages--a vague combination of raw power, finely-honed skill, and all-around furious tenacity--but in the end it is up to you to decide if a certain competitor can see through two swollen eyes and deliver that killing blow.

I would also like to take this opportunity to note that, in my nineteen years of managing fake fighting tournaments, it has never been this difficult to seed the Bash Wars tournament.  Usually it's pretty easy to pick the best guy and the  worst guy in the whole field, but this time it was pretty damn hard.  Some are better than others, but I think all of these guys have something to bring to the table.  You're all winners in my book!  Now let's kill off half of you.

Read more...Collapse )
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Slight delay... [Nov. 20th, 2011|02:18 am]
Gore Sports - Making Up Fake Fights Since 1992

jim_smith
It's taking longer than I thought it would to put together the post for round 1 of Bash Wars.  I meant to have it up tonight, but tonight is rapidly turning into tomorrow and I'm starting to get punchy.

Sorry for the delay, folks, but everything should be up sometime Sunday.
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Don't wait until the eleventh hour! [Nov. 17th, 2011|06:09 pm]
Gore Sports - Making Up Fake Fights Since 1992

jim_smith
Last call for people to enter Bash Wars VI!  Deadline is Friday at 11:59 pm CST.

Additionally, I am still waiting on these people to fill out and/or change their entry in the poll:

As previously stated I'd rather not have to figure out what to do if I don't hear back from these guys, so make my life easier, folks.

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UNCONFIRMED FOR BRAWL: YOU [Nov. 12th, 2011|09:02 pm]
Gore Sports - Making Up Fake Fights Since 1992

jim_smith
[Tags|]


OK, so here's where we stand--FORTY-SEVEN brave souls have filled out the poll to enter Bash Wars VI, so no matter what happens, it will be the BIGGEST BASH WARS IN THE MODERN ERA.  Obviously this is going to make for an unusual bracket, but I think I can handle it so no worries.

Anyway, it's almost time to get this show on the road, so I will be ending the signup period...let's say on Friday, November 18 (11:59 pm CST).  That ought to give me time to collect all the data and get the first round started on Saturday, November 19.  So it's not too late for you to join the carnage as well, go read the rules for entry and then fill out this poll.  If you have questions you can send me a private message here.  Remember: DO NOT DISCUSS YOUR ENTRANT WITH YOUR POSSIBLE ENEMIES!

As some of you are aware I have been reviewing certain entrants to ensure they meet with my demanding criteria for bloodsport, and I have sent private messages to resolve certain questions about their fitness.  In several cases I have rejected entrants, or someone already picked a particular entrant, and I've asked that a replacement be entered.  The system seems to have gone well, but not everybody thinks to check their LiveJournal message inbox regularly, so I'm still waiting to hear back from some of you.

The following individuals have entered Bash Wars and must still name a suitable entrant:
Also the following individual has declared an interest to enter Bash Wars but a) wanted to enter someone who was already picked, so they need to pick someone else, and b) hasn't filled out the poll:

One other item of note: I have had a couple of people give up trying to think of a suitable competitor for Bash Wars and attempt to withdraw from the tournament.  Suffice it to say that I never established any rules for this contingency because it never would have occurred to me that it's overly challenging to 1) pick a random badass, 2) write their name in my poll, and 3) watch me write about them in imaginary fights for six weeks.  I sincerely believe that anyone who cannot think of a good pick for Bash Wars is making it far too difficult.

Now, for good reason I do not personally enter Bash Wars or make recommendations about who should be in it.  That having been said, nineteen-year Bash Wars veteran mike_smith has written up a very appropriate tutorial on the subject here, and he knows what he's talking about.  You could literally write down all Mike's examples of good picks and pick one while blindfolded, and potentially get to the semifinals, because this isn't rocket science.  If you're really stuck for a good choice, I suggest you ask him to help you.


That's it for now, folks.  By this time next week I will be hurriedly slapping together dozens of polls so that YOU can behold the first round of FIVE-ALARMAGEDDON.  Doncha dare miss it!

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